Madeleine’s beautiful poem about the birth of her son.
Finding you
Sleep disturbed, the waters broke,
It was still in that moment,
You were on your way,
A bag bursting,
An empty car seat, flip-flops, an old nightdress,
Hurried feet skipped as my mind settled,
*
As the day appeared, aches matured,
Remembering my breathing,
Soft, on the big blue ball,
Hercules playing out behind me,
A telephone call,
A car door slammed.
*
An internal, an achievement… 4cm,
Stable in the first room,
The gas filled my head,
In that moment we were quiet,
Cradled in the calm.
*
Water lapped over limbs,
Peaceful as I lay rippled beneath,
Desires to push,
You felt closer to me in that moment,
Hooked out, lying breathless,
Dry and startled,
Hopeless cries tumbled,
A decision was made.
*
Isolated and strapped up,
The trip seemed to be endless,
Trembling and nearly alone,
Gripping to the image of you,
We were together.
*
Murkiness washed over,
Someplace between 1cm and the diamorphine,
I lost sight of you,
An app exhausted as contractions were counted,
Another unseen as we collapsed back into sleep,
In the shade of dawn I lay lost,
Aching to meet you,
*
Contractions flourished once more,
Trusting in myself,
6cm and ready to go,
Concealing myself in the quiet water,
Back where I started,
Comfort as I poured back into it.
*
Hooked, dry and trying to push,
A bedframe, a glance, a finger’s cut,
As hands gripped mine,
Tears drenched salted and bottomless,
As each hour passed another person came to me,
With new faces overcrowding me-
I neglected to focus on yours,
I lost control in that space.
*
A needle, your blood, the bedframe,
Another face, a paper to sign,
I knew you had black hair then,
My hand was doubtful but initials were clear,
Waves thundered over me,
I was told to be motionless,
Another needle, my mind surrendered,
Blank.
*
Vague memories of their expressions,
Disagreements between them,
I dropped away from myself and from you,
In that moment it wasn’t up to me,
Another choice was made,
Scrubs were thrown on, the room rattled,
Hard, bright and white, in that moment I didn’t care anymore.
*
Petrified as the line was carved,
I didn’t look anywhere,
I locked myself away and wished for it to be over,
Yanking at my core, a final tug-
And then you were born,
Silence.
*
I kept my eyes sealed,
Awaiting the verdict,
As I lay lifeless and broken,
A sound, my eyes flashed open-
Your cry brought me back,
I knew you were calling me,
As if I’d awakened from a nightmare,
*
You were shown to me, unable to hold you,
I didn’t know how I felt about you,
I watched from afar as you were passed to Dad,
I felt distant like I was watching a film,
I felt detached, indifferent and incomplete,
I was absent in that special moment.
*
Then finally, the moment had come-
You were handed over to me,
My son, my baby, at last, you were in my arms,
I felt love flood through me-
Embracing us as I tucked you in my nightie,
You were mine; we had found each other again.
The people, the bright lights, the folly just melted away,
And it was just the three of us left (with a few slices of toast!)-
Safe and nestled together on that beautiful Friday evening.
*
Dedicated to my son
Written by Madeleine Richards
2017-01-20
